How to help a child with anxiety about school? 10 strategies
With the Summer holidays coming to an end, children and families are beginning their preparations for the upcoming school year. Returning to school can be an exciting time for children, however for many it also provokes feelings of anxiety and uncertainty. In this post we will answer how to help a child with anxiety about school, and share some practical strategies parents can use to help children who may be struggling.
WRITTEN BY DR JOSH HARWOOD | Child & Adolescent Clinical Psychologist
harwoodchildpsychology.co.uk
With the Summer holidays coming to an end, children and families are beginning their preparations for the upcoming school year. Returning to school can be an exciting time for children, however for many it also provokes feelings of anxiety and uncertainty. In my experience as a clinical psychologist specialising in children and adolescents, it is normal and highly common for children to feel nervous about starting school. Anxiety about school can have many triggers, for example fears about academic achievement and wider social and emotional experiences. They may also be facing other mental health issues and significant amounts of change, such as different peer groups, new teachers or different subjects. In my clinical practice I find that many children are continuing to find school life more difficult in the wake of the COVID-19 pandemic.
As a child psychologist I try and take a compassionate and empathic approach to exploring school-related anxiety. Many strategies I provide involve supporting and advising parents on how to best help their child if they are having difficulties. Thinking about your child's thoughts and feelings is one of the most effective ways to help a child with anxiety about school.
10 Strategies to help a child with anxiety about school
Whilst every child is different, there are some common strategies that parents can try using to help a child with anxiety about school:
Talk through their worries
An important place to start is to talk to your child about their concerns with starting school. Not only will this help you and your child to identify what their worries are, it will also provide them with a space to talk about their emotions. Try to adopt a listening approach, and avoid inadvertently dismissing their feelings. Whilst they may seem irrational to you, they can be very distressing for your anxious child. Assure them that you have heard their worries, and understand why starting a new school year can feel stressful. Let them know that you are always there for them, and will help with their stress and anxiety.
How to help a child with anxiety about school: Create a worry journal
To help pinpoint which aspect of school is causing your child the most difficulty, consider tracking your child’s worries during the week. When they feel anxious about school get them to record their worry and how it has made them feel. This can help them identify patterns in their anxious thoughts, such as common triggers. Writing requires us to use our brains in a different way, which slows our thinking down and therefore can significantly reduce overthinking.
Writing down worries about school anxiety can also help to:
● Put worries into perspective compared to other things going on in our children's lives
● Identify triggers and come up with a way to prevent them
● Allow parents to understand what their child is going through
For younger children, we sometimes recommend using a ‘worry monster’ to store anxious thoughts to be read together with their parents later.
Teach your child about anxiety
Once you have established their worries surrounding school, it can be helpful to teach them about why they might be feeling this way. If your child is younger, you can begin by explaining what a thought is to demonstrate that just because they think something, does not mean it will come true. If your child is older it may be helpful to explain that anxiety has three different parts which link together. This includes the fearful thought they have (in this case about school) the accompanying physical sensations (such as a fast heart rate or feeling sick) and the subsequent actions they take to avoid situations that make them feel this way. When they avoid the situations that trigger this fear they maintain the cycle of anxiety. Explaining this, and the different causes of anxiety in children, may help encourage your child to attend school despite their anxiety, in order to disrupt the cycle. I often show young people this video to help explain anxiety:
How can I help my child with anxiety? Encourage your child to challenge their worries
Older children can be encouraged manage their anxiety and challenge their anxious thoughts and physical symptoms using rational thinking and reasoning. You can do this by suggesting they ‘take their thought to court’, whereby they write a list of evidence or reasons that their fear will occur, followed by the evidence for why it will not. This will allow them to consider their anxieties in a more rational mindset to avoid catastrophising. Be careful that you are not accidentally dismissing or trivialising their fears whilst doing this. Remember that this may not be suitable for everyone, for example younger children may have a reduced capacity to rationalise their fears due to their earlier stage of brain development.
Teach your child relaxation techniques
It can be helpful to teach your child methods of easing their physical feelings of anxiety. We know when the physical feelings of anxiety subside, the anxious thoughts quickly disappear as well. These techniques can be practiced before the start of the school year then used when feelings of anxiety about school begin to arise. Examples include deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation and mindfulness. Here is an example of a breathing exercise I show to young people. Box breathing
Children and teenagers are usually sceptical as they try it once and it does not work. I usually advise attempting the exercise for at least 3-4 minutes to calm your heart rate down. In truth it often works quicker than this but I don’t want young people thinking they can take one breath and all anxiety will vanish.
Help your child break their anxiety down into manageable chunks
If the prospect of attending school is particularly daunting for your child, you may want to break their anxiety down using a fear ladder. A fear ladder is one of the commonest answers to how to help a child with anxiety about school. This helps them identify what aspects of school they are most fearful of, and what they find easier to tolerate. Examples include speaking up in class or even putting on their school uniform. If your child is beginning at a new school you could show them the school building in advance, or even just browse photos of the school on its website. Using this technique you can help your child gradually expose themselves to each level of fear. Lots of children love a challenge, so I often link it to their favourite computer game or sports star, and we turn it into a game where they are trying to achieve levels or “win the world cup”. Be inventive and make it fun.
Use a reward system
Reward systems are helpful in many different areas of child psychology, and indeed parenting! By providing an appropriate encouraging incentive, children may be more inclined to expose themselves to their anxiety triggers, and with repeated exposure their anxiety and chance of panic attacks is likely to reduce. You should link it to a challenge they are trying to achieve (see point above). Parents and carers should agree on the award before their child or teenager goes to school and give the reward immediately after the school day. Don’t worry, you won’t have to reward them every day for the rest of their school lives, with time, going to school will become a habit and you can reduce the use of rewards, although this should be discussed and planned in advance.
“A child who is continually protected from negative experiences may not learn to cope with the future adversities that their life may hold.”
Whenever possible, avoid allowing your child to skip school
As a parent, it can be immensely distressing to see your child struggling with school-related anxiety. It may even trigger your own anxieties about your child’s long term educational attainment. It can therefore be quite tempting to accept their school refusal and allow them to miss a day to ease their worry. As clinical psychologists we usually advise against this, as it can perpetuate the cycle of anxiety further, making it even harder for them to return to school at the next opportunity. Although every child is different, as a general rule, the longer an anxious child is absent from school the harder it can be to get them back.
Reflect on your own experiences of education and pressure
How to help my own child with anxiety can be as easy as thinking back on your own experience of education pressure - As a child or adult. We have all had different experiences of school with the challenging aspects about school, for example;
exams
friendships
bullying
pressure from our parents
love of sport (for example)
hatred of drama or other subjects (for example)
Commonly we also had different experiences from our co-parent or close friends. Children and teenagers are perfectly primed to pick up on the subtle pressures, expectations and fears that we as parents hold from our own childhoods. We often pass these on without realising. Take the time to think about your own experiences and talk about these with your family. Remember that children need to form their own experiences and make their own mistakes. A child who is continually protected from negative experiences may not learn to cope with the future adversities that their life may hold.
When trying to come up with solutions to "how can I help my child with anxiety", empathy is one of the best solutions - think back to your school days and this will help you relate to your child.
Seek professional help
If your child’s anxiety is significantly impacting their life, or the lives of other family members it may be necessary to seek professional advice and help. Whilst some children respond well to interventions and support from their parents, there are others who may need more specific support from trained specialists. Help can be sought through your GP, or through a specialist child psychologist.
If you have any other general questions about how to help a child with anxiety about school, feel free to get in touch with Dr Daniel Gordon and his team.
